By Ryan F
At 4:30 AM on November the 25th of this year I awoke to my alarm blasting some Korn. This was the day I was to travel to Fort Lyons, a place I knew little about. I had set my alarm at such an early hour for one reason. I need a couple of hours to finish up the buffet of substances that my so called friends had given me the day before, my last chance to use before I left for treatment. I had spent the whole day attempting to finish them up, but had failed. Being the true addict that I am I had allowed myself two hours just to try and finish them up. I was on the nod by the time I heard the knock at the door, it was my ride to Denver to catch the van to Fort Lyons.
I don’t remember leaving my little city of the western slope. I can also say I don’t remember much of the white knuckle drive over the mountains, I remember it was snowing pretty bad, that’s about it. It doesn’t make much sense to get loaded before you get on a van that’s taking you to treatment, when you’re the one that asked for the opportunity to go in the first place. I knew I had to change the way I was living, but I still had to party one last time. Looking back now I can see that I wasn’t doing something morally wrong, I was sick, I truly was powerless to my addiction.
Reality set in when I got into the van in Denver and started the next leg of my trip to Fort Lyons. A lot of different things started going through my mind, I went back and forth, arguing with myself in my own mind. I knew I was doing the right thing, I was sure of it. I knew I could not continue on the path I was on. I wasn’t using to handle the pain any more, I wasn’t even using for fun. I was using just to maintain, to keep myself from withdrawing, all the fun was gone, and I was living in misery.
There was never enough, I always wanted more. Not even 5 minutes later my own sick mind
was trying to convince me that I was wrong. I began telling myself that things were not that bad, I was managing ok. I was just in a lot of pain, I was just using these substances because I had to, due to my physical condition. It’s crazy how your own mind can convince you that you’re sane, that you’re not sick, that the things you’re doing are normal. So to say the least I was definitely confused when we arrived at Fort Lyons late that Tuesday night.
Over the next few days things would only become more confusing. All I heard over and over
again was just take it easy, just relax. This baffled me. I am a drug addict, and I thought I needed someone to tell me what to do. I was high strung, struggling with the simplest of tasks. Just getting from point A to B was a struggle, it was a huge challenge for me. Prior to coming to Fort Lyons Ihad only managed to walk short distances. I was still recovering from major surgery. Those first few days I was so stressed I honestly was ready to leave. I had myself convinced once again that this was not the place for me. Not only was I struggling physically, but I was mentally struggling as well.
I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. Everything aggravated me, I was quick to pop off. True traits of an addict, I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it yesterday. At the time I just didn’t know how to deal with issues that came up.It was like I was taking ten steps back and going into prison mode. I could no longer deal with issues the way I had been, The truth is I no longer had my substance, my easy button. I easily replaced it with anger. If I wasn’t able to get loaded I was going to be an asshole. My sick mind and withdrawing body justified it.
A normal person would realize this wasn’t the way to be, but so many things had become
unmanageable to me. If I couldn’t control the little things, how did I ever convince myself that I had any control when I was out there, using daily.
It was in my second week when I finally settled in, go figure they were right. This is when I looked back and realized how confused, aggravated and stressed I had been. I still don’t have even close to all the answers, but I had figured out one thing, I had made some first impressions that I dearly regret. People that are here to help me, people that could relate to the life I’ve lived, people I might just be able to talk with, I had pushed away.
It was then that I really began to think about the way I am sometimes. Why do I feel so out
of place at times? Why am I having issues just simply communicating with others? Why is it that I feel like I don’t belong, and even worse, why do I go out of my way to make sure of it? That’s when I realized that I had always been this way, I have just been using substances to mask it, to open up to others. I never had problems interacting with others when I was loaded, I was the life of the party.
I began writing this in the beginning to help me work the first step. Now I know for sure that I am powerless over my addiction. I was an addict before I ever took that first drug. I also hope that some will read this and relate to me. I want those who read this to know that the confusion that comes in the beginning of recovery is normal. It wouldn’t be recovery without it. I’m Ryan and I am an addict that has taken the time to look back and realize how powerless I really am over my addiction.
I don’t remember leaving my little city of the western slope. I can also say I don’t remember much of the white knuckle drive over the mountains, I remember it was snowing pretty bad, that’s about it. It doesn’t make much sense to get loaded before you get on a van that’s taking you to treatment, when you’re the one that asked for the opportunity to go in the first place. I knew I had to change the way I was living, but I still had to party one last time. Looking back now I can see that I wasn’t doing something morally wrong, I was sick, I truly was powerless to my addiction.
Reality set in when I got into the van in Denver and started the next leg of my trip to Fort Lyons. A lot of different things started going through my mind, I went back and forth, arguing with myself in my own mind. I knew I was doing the right thing, I was sure of it. I knew I could not continue on the path I was on. I wasn’t using to handle the pain any more, I wasn’t even using for fun. I was using just to maintain, to keep myself from withdrawing, all the fun was gone, and I was living in misery.
There was never enough, I always wanted more. Not even 5 minutes later my own sick mind
was trying to convince me that I was wrong. I began telling myself that things were not that bad, I was managing ok. I was just in a lot of pain, I was just using these substances because I had to, due to my physical condition. It’s crazy how your own mind can convince you that you’re sane, that you’re not sick, that the things you’re doing are normal. So to say the least I was definitely confused when we arrived at Fort Lyons late that Tuesday night.
Over the next few days things would only become more confusing. All I heard over and over
again was just take it easy, just relax. This baffled me. I am a drug addict, and I thought I needed someone to tell me what to do. I was high strung, struggling with the simplest of tasks. Just getting from point A to B was a struggle, it was a huge challenge for me. Prior to coming to Fort Lyons Ihad only managed to walk short distances. I was still recovering from major surgery. Those first few days I was so stressed I honestly was ready to leave. I had myself convinced once again that this was not the place for me. Not only was I struggling physically, but I was mentally struggling as well.
I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. Everything aggravated me, I was quick to pop off. True traits of an addict, I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it yesterday. At the time I just didn’t know how to deal with issues that came up.It was like I was taking ten steps back and going into prison mode. I could no longer deal with issues the way I had been, The truth is I no longer had my substance, my easy button. I easily replaced it with anger. If I wasn’t able to get loaded I was going to be an asshole. My sick mind and withdrawing body justified it.
A normal person would realize this wasn’t the way to be, but so many things had become
unmanageable to me. If I couldn’t control the little things, how did I ever convince myself that I had any control when I was out there, using daily.
It was in my second week when I finally settled in, go figure they were right. This is when I looked back and realized how confused, aggravated and stressed I had been. I still don’t have even close to all the answers, but I had figured out one thing, I had made some first impressions that I dearly regret. People that are here to help me, people that could relate to the life I’ve lived, people I might just be able to talk with, I had pushed away.
It was then that I really began to think about the way I am sometimes. Why do I feel so out
of place at times? Why am I having issues just simply communicating with others? Why is it that I feel like I don’t belong, and even worse, why do I go out of my way to make sure of it? That’s when I realized that I had always been this way, I have just been using substances to mask it, to open up to others. I never had problems interacting with others when I was loaded, I was the life of the party.
I began writing this in the beginning to help me work the first step. Now I know for sure that I am powerless over my addiction. I was an addict before I ever took that first drug. I also hope that some will read this and relate to me. I want those who read this to know that the confusion that comes in the beginning of recovery is normal. It wouldn’t be recovery without it. I’m Ryan and I am an addict that has taken the time to look back and realize how powerless I really am over my addiction.
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